I am totally a "post stealer" right now and Joey will probably be embarrassed by this. I saw this post on a friend's friend's blog (so I don't know this person) and I had to post it as a reminder to myself . It is a reminder that the laundry can wait, the dishes aren't going anywhere, and I can tivo that show. It is also a reminder to play pretend with Maci (my budding actress) and do Bryan's part from High School Musical while she plays Sharpay, to play catch with Bryce, and to just HUG my kids more. Hopefully I have reminded each of you of this now too! I don't ever post anything emotional, but I guess there's a first time for everything.
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an extra beat today. Because it's February. Because I don't want it to be. Because it seems so recently..Not too many days before today, I was oblivious. I was happy. I thought I was pretty lucky (and quite clever) really - 2 boys, 2 girls. All 2 years apart. But of course life gets in the way of gratitude on a daily basis and like all people, I whinged about the usual..sleep deprivation, school issues, wanting my house to look all perfectly perfect..
But then, on this day one year ago, I found myself in hospital with kidney stones. If you've ever had them, you'll believe me when I describe the pain as very, very akin to labour without drugs. And just to really make it a competely gruesome experience, the pethadine I had for two days before surgery made me vomit until I thought I'd turn inside out.
I was so incredibly miserable and missed my family and normal days with them so, so much. All I wanted was to be healthy and to be home. The boys started a new school that week and I wasn't even there for their first day. As I sat parked in a wheelchair with a dish in my lap one morning, I clearly recall telling myself that there was NOTHING more important than just being healthy and being with the ones you love.
When I did get home, I was grateful. I looked forward to getting completely well again and remembering what really matters. I didn't know I only had two more days with Ava.
I feel robbed that four out of her last seven days I was not even at home.
I feel robbed that I sent her to kindy an extra day because I needed the rest.
I feel robbed that I let her sleep at Grandads the night before she left.
How I wish I could go back and sit with her, every second of that week...That month...For every single second of her 1263 days. Just to hold her and breathe her in and study her face and her hands and her big big brown eyes. To tell her she was my dream come true, my biggest wish granted.
But I cannot. I can only desperately try to recall every possible moment we shared, to stare at her photos until my eyes sting and to believe with all my heart that she knew, without a shadow of a doubt, just how much she was loved and what she meant to me.
As I walk through the days leading up to one year, I can't help but replay that week..over and over. I can't help but imagine.
If only.
If only.
If only.
