The Numerators Strike Back

You know the type. They sit at their own table trading Twinkies for Skittles, and chocolate milk for a Coke. They aren't wearing pocket protectors, but their clothes are a few seasons out of style. They're the math club.

Apparently some of these guys have finally landed their own TV show. On Friday night I watched a new ABC drama called "Numbers". All three (yes the number is declining) of you who will read this are saying to themselves, "you really watched that show?"

Those same three readers have to know that I love TV. It should come as no surprise that I will watch just about any show once. Okay, any show except professional darts on ESPN.

Anyhoo, I thought Numbers might be worthwhile. It couldn't be any worse than any of the CSI's. Wrong. Michael Moore wrong (Michael Moore wrong is the wrongest possible wrong. Unfortunately, on some rare occasions, Michael Moore is right, but he just looks and acts so wrong that I thought I would use him to define wrong).

For those of you who don't know (again I'd peg that number at about 3 out of 3), Numbers is a show that uses math to help solve crimes. I can't blame myself too much because I imagine that math is sometimes used solve crimes.

However, this show makes math look like Vin Deisel in Triple X. I'm not 100 percent sure what random set of events fell into place to get his show on the air, but I can make a pretty good guess.

One of the guys at the math club table, used to day dream about a good versus evil conflict between the numerators (the good guys) and the denominators (the bad guys). This guy graduated from college with a math degree and realized he could not join the FBI because his eyesight was bad and he couldn't do 20 push ups.

So he did what other people who graduate with degrees that don't lend themselves to particular professions do: he went into real estate. He wasn't very good at real estate so on the side he picks up writing and finally puts his boyhood dreams of math battling evil onto paper.

One day, he shows a house to a TV exec who is under pressure to find another show that is a lot like CSI, but not exactly the same. So the math wiz turned real estate agent, turned writer shows the TV exec his script. The TV exec knows this show is lame, but he understand that lame is okay because all they have to do is dress the set up with fancy phones, writing on clear walls, big fancy words, and smart people with guns.

Apparently the TV exec was right because that's all we got here. Another crime comedy, that uses shiny cars, unrealistic story lines, math equations written on clear walls, and smart guys with guns to disguise itself as a crime dramma.

Don't get me wrong, I love math majors. I work with one. I just don't think they should get their own TV show.

Don't do it Jimmy

PETA President Ingrid Newkirk has asked Jimmy Carter to stop fishing. Many saw the interview with Carter on the Tonight Show where Carter explained he had hooked himself while fishing.

However Ingrid did not ask Jimmy to stop fishing because she is concerned for Jimmy. She is concerned about the fish. She wants the fish to be left in peace.

I have a request for Ingrid. Stop walking. You see, by walking she could inadvertently step on my little buddies...the ants. I love ants. I fell in love with my six legged allies the first time I saw the movie "Antz". Ever since then I have worked diligently with CAL (caring ant lovers) to promote ant awareness. I am normally quite modest, but I must admit that my dedication to ants has not come without sacrifice. It takes me about 20 minutes to crawl from my front door to my car (I crawl with a magnifying glass in one hand so that I don't inadvertently smash an innocent ant).

In sum, I challenge Ingrid to realize that ants are people too.